LET IT aLL sTART hERE
For Catholics who care...
I walked the Rail Trail, past the cow fields, and through the mountain corridors of Upstate New York this morning and I asked myself this question: "Am I in love with Jesus?"
There is a lot talk about falling in love with Christ in Church and at spiritual trainings because, as I am told, that is the ultimate goal of a true disciple. As I walked on, I noticed spider webs that were cast like fishing nets in the branches of young saplings, illuminated by the culmination of early morning light and dew, and I identify my feelings for God: I know I am humble in the presence of our Lord; I believe in God enough to request that He “help my unbelief”; I honor and respect the Trinity; I admire and want to protect the God/Man called Jesus.... But am I in love with Him? No, I don't think so...at least not yet. I had a dialogue with myself, considering this question and trying to discern what it meant to be in love with God. I began by identifying the prescription for being in love - something I have never done before because, too often, I just “fell”. Then, I reasoned that my lack of true devotion to God was based on my limited human-ness and I began to convince myself that if I am not in love with God, it is because we have never met! Certainly, I have fallen in love with other men that I have never met, their reputations being enough. In my old life I was enamored with the writer, Henry Miller. I came to admire him - so much so, that I wanted to be reincarnated as the American author who was known as the pioneer of a type of autobiographical novel that involved character study, social criticism, philosophical reflection, sex, surrealist free association and mysticism. I often imagined what it would be like to take a walk with him, spend the evening in a pub with him, cook a meal for him, catch him misbehaving… watch him at his desk writing. I found myself searching for any information I could find about his life. I collected and read the words he wrote, studied his drawings, familiarized myself with memoirs written by his friends and associates, and I coveted the lilt in his voice captured in ancient recorded interviews. It was clear I had fallen for this man whom I had never met, a man who had died before I had even read the title of his famed novel, "Tropic of Cancer," aloud. Is this what causes one to fall in love? An insatiable curiosity? A fascination? An admiration? An attraction to qualities seen in another that one recognizes and appreciates in oneself? Lovable traits and characteristics that may go under-developed in you but are beaming from beloved? And then, there was my preoccupation with the mystic, writer and Catholic priest, Thomas Merton. (I see Merton as Miller’s twin, if it were not for Merton’s open invitation to God. In "The Seven Story Mountain," Merton writes: “All I knew was that I wanted grace…and that I was helpless without God. It seemed that every step I took carried me painfully forward under a burden of desires….”) I read books by and about Merton. I studied photographs of him and I listen to his lectures, repeatedly, teasing out Merton 's own particular kind of brilliance. I chased after Thomas Merton in much the same fashion as I had Henry Miller. Merton died when I was 5 and not yet reading full sentences. I mention Miller and Merton in contrast to my heretofore inability to fall in love with Jesus because my feelings for these “perfect strangers,” ironically, refute my explanation or defense: I never met Him! I am thinking more about the task, no…the process…no… the act of falling in love with Jesus, the God/Man and I have come up with this: The obstacle to my pursuing Jesus as I have Merton and Miller, for example, may be the seemingly “un-godly” sexual implications involved with falling in love with God. That unspoken and understood place where lovers travel together to, seems inappropriate and wrong when Jesus is identified as the Beloved. Til now, for me, being in love has culminated with a union between lovers. I'm wondering: How is that possible for me to achieve? And must true love be realized only through the conjoining of the two who love? I am pondering all of this in my heart and I am realizing that a fear of intimacy and the surrendering what I know I want are the obstacles that keep me from a personal relationship with Christ. I leave you with these questions to ponder as well and I ask you to apply the practices you exhibited the last time you fell in love as you turn toward God.
12 Comments
Dennis
9/9/2015 04:12:20 am
Evelyn, I must say, you put it all out there. I must also say, it appears to me you love Jesus. The feelings you fear, the love felt during sex, and it's seemingly inappropriateness, isn't love of the sex it is the closeness sex can facilitate. In my experience prayer can also facilitate that closeness.........talking with Him throughout the day, telling others about Him, going to Him for counsel, feeling good because He is in your life, going to social events to be with other people who love Him..........Evelyn, you do all these things and more. Maybe you are in love?
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Stephanie
9/22/2015 09:08:36 am
Dear Evelyn, I always watched Fr. Benedict J. Groeschel on EWTN. After he passed on I started getting his books and one of them is called. "Spiritual Passages" At the beginning of his chapter "Understanding Your Own Development: Who Am I As A Person?" He writes: "No one has had a perfect development, for we were all born into a fallen and wounded world; we will find defects and deficiencies all the way through. The following questions should be kept in mind as this review unfolds. What were the strengths and deficiencies in my environment as I was growing up - in my family, school, job, neighborhood, church? What habits or traits did I develop to capitalize on strengths or to cope with shortcomings? What inner resources did I rely on in order to cope? In what ways did I withdraw, hide, or pretend in order to avoid realities I was afraid of? What effect do these experiences have on my life today? " I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and I love him with all my heart now and forever. Thank you Evelyn for all that you do to help other people through your blogs. I know you love Jesus Christ and that you are devoted to Him because you shine and reflect God's Glory in everything you do. God Bless You
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Stephanie
9/22/2015 10:15:40 am
Dear Evelyn, with your love for Jesus Christ Son of God, you share in the communion and beauty of the Saints and all of us who also share in this divine union with Jesus Christ through our love for Him..
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Frances Wellington
9/9/2015 02:25:28 pm
Am I in love with Jesus? I be leave I am!
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jackie white
9/12/2015 04:35:53 pm
Evelyn,
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I enjoyed reading this piece in The Evangelist this week. I think that different people connect differently to Jesus. I admit, I've always had difficulty feeling a personal connection to Jesus. However, this is where I appreciate the Catholic Church, which gives us so many models of holiness in the saints, and in the Blessed Mother. I find that if I have trouble connecting with Jesus, I can read the writings of saints I can relate to and borrow from their thoughts and devotions; or I can ask our Mother to bring me to the heart of her Son. Just on of the many things I love about our Church!
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9/13/2015 01:00:44 pm
I am thrilled that you are here with us Brigid! And I am always grateful for your input. You have terrific insights. Thanks for liking the blog post...means so much!
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Dennis
9/14/2015 06:06:05 pm
Jackie, I have put much thought towards Jesus the God/Man. Think about a few instances. Jesus the man, enjoying an important societal event, was obviously caught up in the moment and used his Godly powers to further his manly pleasure. There appears to be no separation of the man from God. When Christ was carrying the cross and Veronica washed his face, at that moment, because of extreme comfort Jesus the man felt from that wet cloth and tenderness and love given , God burst out and left Christ's image on the cloth. I don't think there is any separation. Having stated this I admit it is easier to love Jesus because of his humanity. God is unimaginable . Jesus tells "I am in Him and He is in me". Jackie, talk more about this, help us see through your eyes.
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9/15/2015 06:39:56 pm
Dennis...this is such a beautiful post. I was deeply moved. Thank you
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jackie white
9/15/2015 06:23:10 am
Dennis,
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Dennis
9/16/2015 02:40:33 pm
Having focused my thoughts, I realize I have not explored, within myself, how I approach God and how I approach Jesus. When I look for guidance am I turning to Jesus or God? When I call out for help, who am I making my plea to? When I beg for forgiveness? I have never asked myself :do I love Jesus and God differently? Thank you Jackie for inspiration to explore this.
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Stephanie
9/22/2015 08:42:55 am
Dear Evelyn, thank you for this very beautiful article. I read it in the Evangelist and see what a gifted writer you are. I hope you write a book. Yes I also love Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. I pray to Jesus and talk to Jesus morning ,day and night. He is with me all the time and I can honestly say that my personal relationship with Jesus Christ strengthens me and is the greatest love I have ever had towards anyone. When I read your article I remembered how many times in the past I thought I was in love with the men in my life. Back then I did not have the closeness and reassurance that Jesus Christ is my Savior, and so I focused more on the man in my life instead of living for Jesus Christ. Now that I am a widow I have had many years to grow deeper in my faith and rely on Jesus Christ who is my Spouse now and forever. It is good to be alone with God and to have Him Lover of my Soul. I agree that we can learn from the Saints including St. Augustine in how they left their worldly ways and devoted their lives to serving, receiving and loving Jesus Christ more than anyone in this world. You are a very beautiful person Evelyn because your sincere devotion to seeking Jesus Christ shines through. Because of this, you are a blessing to so many. God Bless You.
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